#1 Slut Shaming
I'm going to start my blog with a fairly heavy topic because this is really the thing that inspired me to share my voice with the masses (or rather, all twelve of you who will probably read this).
I'm fortunate that slut shaming is not something I experience very often. I've surrounded myself with amazing friends and family and engorged myself on cultures that are generally very accepting of my lifestyle. Have I shocked people? Oh yes. But I've rarely encountered individuals who try to make me feel bad. I feel as though the sexual revolution that started in the 60s helped pave the way towards a new understanding, and therefore acceptance, of sexuality.
That being said, slut shaming was something I encountered recently and so it's sitting at the front of my mind doing the little "Pick me! Pick me!" dance that my thoughts often do when they want to be expressed through writing. I often find that writing my thoughts helps to understand them better. It helps me to organize all my many trains of thought.
1. Sexual Empowerment. What is it and how does it work?
I was recently told that women cannot feel empowered through sex, that sexual empowerment is a lie so that abusive and rich men can "live it up" at our expense. I can't even properly express the wrongness of this without facepalming all over the place. When a person is empowered, they are given authority. They maintain power over a situation. When a person, regardless of gender, is sexually empowered they have control over their sexuality. They possess the agency to say yes, no, and to negotiate with potential partners. They possess the agency to know and seek what makes them feel good. Anyone who is sexually empowered is, by definition, less likely to be abused sexually because they are in control of what is happening. And adding money into the mix just makes this person's claim all the more ridiculous since this theoretical sexual encounter is most literally at the expense of the person with the money. What power is the sex worker giving up? A sexually empowered sex worker does this job because they want to. They set the rules. They maintain the agency to negotiate. They are in control of the situation. In a healthy sex worker/client relationship, individuals are sexually empowered equals seeking a mutually beneficial interaction. I have never had my agency robbed by a fan or client. I adore my fans and clients. We have so much mutually beneficial fun together, and it's fun to explore the individual sexuality of so many different people! So let's ALL be sexually empowered people and...stop being dicks.
2. It's not just a female issue.
Slut shaming hurts everyone! I hear so many people complaining about the double standard, how men are high fived for getting laid while women are looked down upon. Boys will boys, right? Men are nothing but drooling, sex-crazed horn dogs with no self-control...Wait. This kind of thinking is incredibly harmful to men and women alike. Men are completely robbed of their agency to...be human. They're stripped of their humanity and their intelligence. "Ugh, you're such a guy." THAT is slut shaming. That is making someone feel ashamed for their sexual desires, and painting this side of men as something to be tolerated and controlled. Women, on the other hand, are stripped of their ability to desire. Their own beastly habits are just a result of the patriarchy...or something. Good girls are pure. Good girls are virgins. Good girls are valued based on how prude they are. Until you want her, of course. Once you have her, surely your man beast powers will turn her just as beastly. The point is, slut shaming is incredibly dehumanizing to, well, humans. All of the humans.
3. Promiscuity and Psychology.
It has become popular for anti-sex advocates to point to research which they say proves that sexual promiscuity in women causes depression. The gender specific part, while often left unsaid, is heavily implied. The study itself only looked at women in college. Because these women were more likely to exhibit signs of depression, the study concluded that promiscuous behavior causes depression. BUT, it's important to remember that correlation does not equal causation. I would even pose the argument that depression may trigger promiscuous behavior. After all, sex is relaxing. Sex gives you all kinds of happy chemicals that help to relieve anxiety, pain, and depression. Cool, right? Sex is a form of self-medication. Why is this distinction relevant? If depression comes before promiscuity, then it proves that sleeping around is not a self destructive habit. The study also concluded that because a depressed woman was more likely to sleep around while a happy woman was more likely to be in a steady relationship, that obviously not being in a monogamous relationship is the cause of that woman's depression. Again, I feel as though the cause and effect are reversed and that it's simply more difficult for a woman dealing with depression to maintain a long term relationship. This doesn't mean that all women who sleep around are depressed. Many of them are perfectly healthy individuals! Likewise, many people who don't sleep around are also depressed. You cannot assume a person's mental health based on the number of partners they had in college (y'all would be SO wrong if you tried to do analyze me in this way). In the end, my advice to anyone would be to do you. Take the path that feels right for you. You can maintain a healthy and happy slutty lifestyle by taking care of your body, maintaining your sexual empowerment, communicating openly with potential partners, and not giving a damn what assholes think about your choices. Likewise, you can also choose NOT to be a slut. And that's fine too. There's no right or wrong here so long as you do the thing that makes you happy, and you do so responsibly and safely. Fuck everyone else (literally or not)!
4. The Dark Side of Sex.
Of course sex is a very powerful thing. Wars have started over it. Religions have fought over the sacredness and evil of it. People have destroyed themselves over it. I knew a girl who was so addicted to sex that she allowed herself to be abused every which way so that she could get her fix from anywhere and everywhere. I watched that same girl completely transform when she was introduced to the BDSM subculture, where she learned about respectful, sane, and consensual promiscuity. And there's sex trafficking. Sex trafficking is a horrible crime (and not just for women - about half of underage victims are male, and the majority of children under 13 forced into prostitution in the US are male). Any time a person, of either gender, is stripped of their sexual agency it is a crime, and a horrible one. Rape has been used as a torture device for centuries. It's important to remember that sex is not good or evil on its own. It's all in the way we use it. So go forth, sluts and prudes of all types, and find your sexual balance! What works for one person may not work for you. Individuality is cool like that. Remember that your relationship with sex is nobody else's business, and that someone else's relationship with sex isn't any of yours. Basically? Do your thing. Don't be a dick. The end.
