#5 Why I'm Taking a Break From Standard
Game Day DTK
I didn't do well during the last game day. It was the second time, ever, that I did not make top 8. It was the first time, ever, that I didn't play both days. There are a multitude of reasons for this. First the obvious, I ran an untested incarnation of UW control. I didn't have that intimate knowledge that I usually develop with my decks. It was a risk, and one I knew that I was taking. It wouldn't be the first time I showed up with a new or poorly tested deck and I just hoped that I knew the format well enough to pull it off.
The second thing, and probably the more important thing, was that my head just wasn't in the game. With Jhoira's death happening the night before, literally during FNM, being back at the shop just wasn't where my head wanted to be. It may seem silly to grieve so hard for a rat, but I tend to bond closer to animals than people, and she was a super affectionate rat.
I ended up forcing myself to play a game that I usually love. Not my best idea, but the thought of NOT playing in Game Day was so alien to me. I had to try.
Sometimes, you just don't do well. And that's okay. Magic is one of those games that is so exciting for me, and so interesting, that I typically bounce back really easily from bad days. Not this time. I crashed. Hard. Completely lost my will to get back in. So I didn't go back on Sunday.
I woke up, brewed up something new and fun, but...I didn't have that thing urging me to go and fight for victory. So I stayed home. I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally. And that's not exactly the sort of place I want to be in when I play a mentally taxing game.
Present Day
I still haven't gone back. It's less about being super sad now and more about being ridiculously apathetic towards Standard. I'm not sure if the format just isn't exciting for me, or something about my emotions on Game Day triggering a mental block. I'd totally be down for a draft. I'm mostly always down for anything Limited. Buuut, that costs more than Standard at FNM. So I haven't.
I keep thinking about what I want to play, and I just don't know. Nothing is really speaking to me right now, which is unusual. I usually have a million and five different decks I want to play, and the hard part is choosing one. Right now I'm having trouble getting excited about any of them.
This sucks.
Magic gave me something to hold on to during middle school. And it helped me make friends in college. It introduced me to my fiance and some of my favorite people. It gave me everything I wanted in a game - fantasy, competition, mental stimulation, pretty things I get to collect and horde. And now I'm looking at Standard and just sort of feeling...meh.
Which is weird because I love dragons.
Future Sight
Origins is coming! And that is something I am stupid excited about. I will most definitely have my Chandra cosplay complete by then, and I will probably be wearing it to the prerelease where I will almost certainly play in all five events because I'm a crazy person and who needs sleep.
If I'm not back in the game by then, I'm sure that will be the jump start I need to get my juices flowing. Obviously, I don't know enough about the set to predict how Standard gameplay will be, but I love Origins based on the premise alone. The stories and the flavor are part of what drew me towards this game from the beginning. I AM a fantasy and RPG nerd, after all.
Also, I'm really excited for the new Standard rotation. I think it will be so refreshing and ultimately better for the format. And also, we're going back to Zendikar. So. There's much to look forward to. Maybe it's nothing more than my sheer impatience making the current format feel so dull to me. Other people seem to be enjoying it just fine.
Why I'm Weird About Game Day
Although everyone around me likes to remind me that Game Day doesn't matter, it's important to me for a reason completely outside of the prestige (or lack thereof) that comes with winning one. I have crippling anxiety issues. I have difficulty going to larger tournaments. I'm not afraid of losing. I love seeking out stronger opponents - that's how I improve. I'm afraid of people.
When I play against a stranger I shake. It doesn't matter who they are. It doesn't matter if they're an expert player, or the new guy who started playing last week. I'm afraid of people. I shake. When people watch me play, I shake. My heart races. I can't think clearly. I forgot I was going to cast that instant at the end of your turn.
Game Day is practice for me. Not practice for winning, but practice for coping. Practice with people. It gets more intense than FNM, which I feel I've already graduated from in terms of my social ickiness. Not that I'm completely comfortable on crowded nights, but I can do the thing without being distracted by my discomfort. I can have fun, which is super important. This game is way too stressful to not be fun!
I want to be a competitive player. I want to play in GPs and PPTQs, PTQs, etc. But when I'm in the finals at Game Day, surrounded by a crowd of people, I just want to hide under the table until they leave. This is not conducive to competitive play, where people are going to be watching me. And fearing my opponent, regardless of who they are or what they're playing, does not make for great game play. It leads to stupid mistakes.
So yes, practicing my skill as a player is important. But I need to practice people as well. Winning that playmat will give me a physical representation not of my skill as a player, but of my mental fortitude as someone with severe social anxiety. It's a trophy that I am intent on winning. A sort of level 1 on my path towards competitive Magic. And I'm going to get there. I'm too stubborn to give up!
...Maybe I should get back to brewing.
