#10 4 Uncomfortable Truths About Rape
Trigger Warning: this post is about rape (see the title).
Some Background: A friend of mine convinced her friend that he was raped. He went out drinking with a woman, and woke up with her. He couldn't remember much of the night before, but when he tried to talk to her about it, she acted evasively and he didn't get much out of her. My friend claims that this woman probably drugged and raped him because he usually holds alcohol well, and so does the accused woman.
This story disturbs me. My friend was not there. She did not see what happened. The guy doesn't remember much. Maybe they drank too much. Maybe one or both took something else that night. Maybe something he ate or drank made him sensitive to the alcohol. Maybe she was elusive because SHE thinks she was raped. My friend is certain that this person is guilty, but there are no facts to prove it. Should this guy go to the authorities now that he believes he was raped?
He couldn't consent because he was drunk. But what if she was also drunk? Then she couldn't consent either. Who is the rapist? Where do we draw that line?
This is going to be a heavy topic, so here's a GIF of Marshall being Marshal with alcohol.
I feel like Internet culture is going through an interesting shift. We are in the age of Rape Culture, where awareness is being spread about what rape is and how to respond to it. And that's great! Unfortunately, I feel as though we're bouncing from one extreme to another. There is a problem with a culture that is too sensitive to the R word.
Rape is an emotionally charged word for good reason. It's traumatizing, a potent form of torture. I get that on a deeply personal level. I've owed our medical system well over ten thousand dollars in dealing with (and healing from) sexual abuse. And it sucks. And it's scarring. And I would never wish it on anybody.
Unfortunately, with great emotion comes great interference with rational thought. This, too, I've experienced (and I still do sometimes!). And when a word becomes so emotionally charged that you cannot react rationally to it...there's a problem that needs to be addressed.
I want to make four things very clear, because I feel like these truths get lost among us.
Truth 1: Even consensual sex can be traumatizing. It doesn't have to be rape for you to feel broken. It doesn't have to be rape for you to seek help. It doesn't have to be rape for you to seek distance from the person you had sex with. It's okay to be traumatized by consensual sex, and it's still not your fault. We don't always have to have someone to blame. Get help. Protect yourself, physically and mentally. Do what you need to do, and don't let anyone shame you for it.
Truth 2: Not all rapists are bad people. Sometimes signs get misread. Sometimes communication isn't always clear. Sometimes people don't know they're violating your consent. Anyone who tells you they ask permission before every single thing they do to or with another person is a liar. It's okay. That doesn't mean the victim wasn't traumatized. It doesn't mean they shouldn't take whatever actions necessary to make themselves feel safer and saner. And it still wasn't the victim's fault. But maybe, just maybe, we can show empathy and compassion to those who misread the signs and caused that trauma. They are people too and they are often horrified, and sometimes experience trauma themselves, as a result of causing that kind of unintentional harm. It's okay to support the needs of the victim without demonizing the perpetrator.
Truth 3: Yes, the police have to question the victim. Naturally, "What were you wearing?" is an exceedingly irrelevant and rude question. That being said, there needs to be an investigation. No, they shouldn't believe you just because you're hurt and scared. The burden of proof exists for a reason, and it's up to the victim and the appropriate investigative team to provide that. I would MUCH rather a dangerous person walk free than ruin the life of an innocent. Unfortunately, it is difficult to prove rape. That doesn't mean you shouldn't report it! Get that report on file, go through the justice system if you're up for it, and then do what you need to do to feel safe and sane. Take care of yourself.
Truth 4: You do not get to escape from personal responsibility because you were drinking. I'm not saying drunk people can't get raped, but I AM saying that there's a line. You are choosing to drink with the knowledge that your judgment will be impaired. Maybe you're smart and have a designated friend to babysit you. That's great! But it's really not fair to put your safety in the hands of a friend so that you can be absolved of responsibility. I have a friend who was adamant about not being ready for sex. Her boyfriend got her drunk to the point where she couldn't communicate clearly, and then had is way with her. She was raped and she was traumatized. However, if you are going out to party and you end up going home with another drunk individual, then regret it in the morning - that's on you. Of course a drunk person can't give rational consent, but you were both adults who made the decision to be under that influence, and the ONLY difference between "rape" and a "good night" is whether you end up liking the person you went home with (or took home). Two drunk people did not rape each other. They made a bad decision. Refer to Truth 1.
Safety Tips: Bad people are going to do bad things. You can't change that. Psychopaths will duct tape small animals. Kleptomaniacs are going to steal things. You can (and should) teach your children how to communicate consent, and how to respect consent, but bad people will still do bad things. That's why we lock our car doors instead of leaving the keys on the seat.
1. For the Victims: Practice communication skills. I was raised in a culture where I was not taught how to communicate my needs and desires. Women, in general, aren't typically taught how to say yes, how to express and communicate sexual desire. Practice. Be obvious about what you want or don't want. Don't be afraid to say it. This won't stop evil people, but it WILL stop the accidentals and the scummy assholes who have trouble respecting your right to communicate. And that's most of the rapists right there! It can be hard. I know that first hand. I STILL have trouble setting boundaries with people I'm close to. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed, angry, or any number of things. Don't let that fear get you into trouble. It's not worth it.
2. For the Accidental Rapists: For the love of everything good, LEARN HOW TO READ PEOPLE. Sex should be something you both are wildly, enthusiastically into. If the person you're trying to fuck is dead fishing it, they're probably not into you. When in doubt, ASK. Communication is sexy, and the alternative could ruin someone's life (including yours). If they're indecisive even a little bit, stop what you're doing. You're looking for enthusiasm. Convincing someone to have sex with you when they're on the fence is NOT sexy. I know that being horny after a night of heavy flirting, or more, is frustrating, but let it go and rub one out in private later. Remember that just because you accidentally commit a crime does NOT mean you are absolved from the consequences of committing that crime. It's not worth it.
